#1

I was going to start journaling. That was the original idea.

It was something I actually had started doing at the beginning of last year. I honestly don’t remember doing it, but I was cleaning my room, going through some old notebooks looking for something to journal in and then I stumbled upon something I wrote early last year.

It was hilarious to read because nothing has actually changed in the over a year and a half since I wrote it and the thesis of the entry was that I don’t change. Hah, me.

I don’t think that’s true anymore though. I think I’ve changed a bit in the near 26 years I’ve been doing this whole living my life thing.

For starters, I don’t hate myself anymore. That’s a big one. I may say I hate myself, but it’s all in jest at this point. Sure, I still have a few flaws I’m hyper fixated on. The dermatillomania is a big one. I’m a bit of a coward, something I’ve never wanted to admit because I’d like to think I’m daring and spunky and all of these other pseudo punk rock things, but actually I think I’m just really aggro in an attempt to hide how afraid I am of literally everything.

It’s cool. I’m not dead yet. I still have areas of personal development to work on. It gives me something to do.

It’s weird that I’m blogging again, I will say that. I used to post sporadic blog posts in high school, all of which instigated “are you okay, here’s the name of my therapist” messages. So… let’s try not to do that again, Brain.

In college I was vlogging. I literally only started vlogging because of the Geek & Sundry contest and once I was actually selected and had to start doing it I immediately regretted my decision. I mean, everything worked out completely fine (well, mostly) and I am still entirely grateful for the experience, but I was hyper self-conscious the entire time. Like about all of it.

Post-college adult Holland started writing articles. First for Geek & Sundry, then for a few other sites after that. My pieces on birth.movies.death still stand as some of my greatest achievements, in my opinion.  Not to sound pompous. It’s sounds pompous. But, not only was I able to write about movies I liked, but I also was inserting anecdotes about myself into every one so really it was just like blogging/vlogging. I tricked you all.

Most of my notes from editors were about not being so personal. Which I’ve realized I can’t do. I take everything super personally because I put some of myself in everything I do and I’m not sure what the solve is for that.

Anyway, this is why instead of writing in a notebook, drafting things in emails and google docs that will never see the light of day, finishing something only to say “no, this is bad. i’m destroying this,“ I’m posting it all here.

I want it to stick. Everything is embarrassing (thanks, Sky). I mean, who’s gonna read these anyway, am I right?

I can’t decide whether I’m the biggest open book or I only do this to try and make up for how guarded I am.